This is the first time I will be writing (I haven’t even journaled) since my retreat with Noah Levine, Matthew Brensilver and Justine Dawson this past weekend. This retreat was something else. It was really awesome to be in silence and to be focused on me. The last time I was at Joshua Tree there were some major distractions keeping me from really practicing. This time I took the opportunity and appreciated every moment I had to just sit, breathe, walk, eat. It’s funny. The simplest of things were so precious.
I have always been a little lazy when it came to walking practice. I could never really get into it. But I received some really cool advice from Justine Dawson (really cool teacher, you should look her up) that really helped me out. She told me to slow down. Not like zombie slow (because I mentioned I fall over if I go slow), but slower. I needed to find the middle ground between too slow and too fast. Because when I’m going too fast my mind wanders and goes into Kaylaland and when I’m too slow I lose my balance and fall on my face (not cool even if everyone is in silence). I was able to find that middle ground, and while walking still isn’t my preferred practice, I found I am starting to enjoy it. Or at the very least, appreciate it.
Interestingly enough the practice that touched me the most profoundly was the eating practice. One of my friends found Buddhism through eating practice and I found he was encouragement for me to put my utensil down between each bite and take my time with my meal. Who cares if it took me 45 minutes to eat my lunch! What else did I have to do!? During my normal day I am always in a rush to eat. I don’t enjoy eating. I must have some sort of conditioning (maybe I should analyze that someday) around food. I am usually pretty disenchanted with my meals. I usually feel like I’m just eating because I have to and I want to get it done with as soon as possible. Over the last year I’ve been trying to change some of my habits with food. I try to take less because I know I scarf it down in about two seconds and because of that I was over-eating. My body didn’t have a chance to tell my brain I was full until I was over-stuffed. I lost 18 lbs last year doing this (with a combination of a period of extreme stress that was probably 8 lbs of unhealthy weight loss). I am now my “ideal” weight (whatever that means). Now that I am home I am making an effort to change my eating habits even further. I plan to keep eating mindfully and really start taking care of my diet.
I went to a Buddhism and recovery meeting at Against the Stream the day before retreat. Words can’t even describe how incredible an experience that was. It really made me realize that I’m doing the right things at home by going to counseling and looking into medication options (which I’m still not sure I want to pursue medication, I don’t think need it). Having had gone through my issues all alone and with no one aware of what was going on with me it was really humbling to be in an open and trusting environment I should have exposed myself to a long time ago. Leaving that group of people was the hardest thing I had to do on this trip.
Another thing I really enjoyed was the opportunity to sit with Matthew Brensilver. His talks on the ATS podcasts never really spoke to me. I wouldn’t say that I would skip his talks or anything like that. But if I had only two podcasts on my Iphone, one by Noah and one by Matthew, and I could only listen to one I would chose Noah. While I would probably still would chose Noah now, I would definitely think about it more than before. Just being in his presence and seeing his expressions was really awesome. The smiles and the grins that don’t show through on the podcasts; it put his teachings in deeper perspective being there with him. Every time he opened his mouth there was something funny coming out of it!! It was really cool. I thoroughly enjoyed sitting with him.
I hit up the center for a final sit before I flew home and I got the opportunity to sit with Matthew one last time away from the retreat environment. And I had such respect and gratitude for the teachings and the community that I couldn’t hold myself together. I just felt so sad that I was going to be leaving the community behind. I just sat there while the announcements were being read and I closed my eyes and just felt the depth of the sadness I was experiencing with the thought of leaving. It’s not something I’ve done before. I usually just shove those feelings down and ignore them.
On retreat I must have heard Noah and Matthew say “just feel it” what felt like a million times. So this is what I did. I closed my eyes and just felt the sadness. And what I found is that yes, I was sad to be leaving, but there was also deep gratitude for having the opportunity to be there. There was also a deep joy under the sadness at the prospect of going home to my own Sangha. While my Sangha is still developing and there’s nowhere near the amount of people in my group as there was at ATS, I still felt a deep joy to be going home to my community. It was so awesome to really look and see that there was more than just the sadness.
I spoke to Matthew before I left and I was trying not to cry (unsuccessfully). I thanked him for all that he does and expressed my gratitude as best I could in that moment (though I don’t feel I could express it as much as it felt in my heart). I made some really awesome friends. I met some really amazing people. And I genuinely had a really amazing experience. Even though it didn’t feel that way on retreat while my body was killing me more and more with each sit. I feel it now.
I am home and I have this deep sense of contentment in my heart. It’s something I’ve never felt before. I feel like I’m finally embracing and opening to my life. It’s amazing. I am so grateful.
